Due to recent changes, I am pissed off and ready to rant

Friends,

The ranting is back... (I hope it makes you laugh)

T-to-the-B

My Dog Can Drive a Car, Can Yours?

Check out Franklin driving! He has his learner's permit. In this pic he's actually taking his drunk owner home after an extended game of passout Stratego that started with light beers and ended with shots of Jim Beam and motor oil. Personally, I think Kristin might be developing a bit of a problem. Not with alcohol, but with Stratego. It's all she can think about. She's even taken to playing in bed, which means every now and then I "find a miner" and she makes that obnoxious exploding sound. But then again, I do enjoy it when she "finds my flag."

Now for something completely different...

What about these ridiculous, "Love it or Leave it" emails that are floating around the Web? They've been around for years I think, in various forms. Usually they're presented as humor, but they always come across as mean spirited and brazen. They're attributed to George Carlin, Bill Maher, or in this case, Robin Williams, which is ridiculous if you know the politics of these men. Carlin and Maher's philosophies are Libertarian to an extent, not Conservative, Reactionary, Isolationist or Imperial, which is the conflicted position these emails take. That last comic being credited for this highly political position always kills me, because whatever you think about Robin Williams being funny now (he's not), he's certainly not relevant. His political humor is obvious and tired. It's low-brow (which can be great if done well) and lazy. He's just LAME these days. I guess making movies like "RV" will do that to you. But hey, those exercises in comic futility seem to make a lot of money, and he's rolling in it. Can't say I wouldn't do that, too for a gazillion bucks.

Anyway, these stupid email forwards get sent around by people that think they're funny but never seem to catch the underlying neo-conservative agenda pushed in the ignorant, brutishly craptacular ideas about immigration, terrorism, and America's role as world policeman.

Check out the most recent one I got.

You gotta love Robin Williams....
Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.

Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with his logic!)

"I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan."

1) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past and present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good ole boys". We will never "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available
to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home, baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us, "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "

Well, here's my retort to anyone who send this political pablum about the Internets. (please feel free to copy and use yourself - the only way to fight fire is with water)

That email forgot a few points:

11) When we invade Iran, North Korea, and anywhere else Rumsfeld and Cheney have a hard-on for, we will be greeted as liberators.

12) Iraq does have those WMDs, they're just really good at hiding stuff.

13) The Constitution will be burned to allow George Bush to remain President for Life and so he can interpret laws as he sees fit, without the hassle of writing all of those signing statements.

14) That pesky Bill of Rights certainly needs to be burned. Who needs it? The only people that need to worry are the ones breaking the law, anyway. This keeps America safe. Well, we better keep the 2nd amendment, because the gun lobby are our friends, and true, patriotic American heroes.

15) Foley was a Democrat.


"And if all others accepted the lie which the Party imposed—if all records told the same tale—then the lie passed into history and became truth. 'Who controls the past' ran the Party slogan, 'controls the future: who controls the present controls the past.'" - George Orwell, 1984

So send that along to the Fox News-obsessed Uncle, the arch-conservative Grandpa, or the brain-dead moron coworker who still listens to fucking Rush Limbaugh.

Peace, and IMPEACH

T-to-the-B

ps remember to VOTE for Democrats next month. Even if the Dem is a tool, we need a majority to keep the Bushies' wacky agenda in check, which could get frightenly "V for Vendetta" scary over the next two years. Without opposition, these fuckwads have seriously hurt the country, and have literally killed thousands of people by sending them to meaningless deaths in Iraq. Don't let America nuke Iran and start WWIII because you think the Democrat "looks liberal" to you. Time to man up!

First and foremost, before we go anywhere or get into anything, a rousing HUZZAH! to Barclay & Angela on their new baby boy William! I can't wait to teach him swears.

The Idiot-in-Chief

So, Joe Scarborough had an interesting show recently. His topic: Is Bush an idiot? We here at the Revolution have known this for years, and quite frankly can't believe it has taken people 6 freaking years to figure it out for themselves, but then again, that's part of the mission around here: to launch those rockets of derision and let loose the hounds of irony on all that is wrong and evil. So check out the excellent montage they put together over there at MSNBC: it's funny, but sad at the same time.

http://www.crooksandliars.com/posts/2006/08/15/scarborough-is-bush-an-idiot/

I sent an email to the resident neo-con in my office with the link above and the line I can't believe anybody could seriously defend this doofus anymore. It is so not a debate as far as I'm concerned, but then again we're talking about people that aren't sure yet about evolution, global warming, and sexual positions other than missionary.

The Neanderfuck's response?
You have 1 ½ years left, deal with it. Don't fall prey to your party's strategy: Whine and Complain.

"Deal with it?" Where is he from, Iran? North Korea? Cuba? Venezuela? There is this little document we have here called the Declaration of Independence which states that we have the right to overthrow our government if necessary. And this other document, the Constitution, which details specifically how we as a people can kick an asshole President out of office if and when we need to. Remember about 8 years ago? Those GOP fuckwads tried to get rid of President Clinton. For getting a blowjob! Personally, I think they were just jealous that Bubba was a playa. And leave Monica alone! I'd have "moistened my stogie" with her then, too (course, I wasn't married then either). It's not like she was this Orca-fat bitch that was repulsive. She was thick. Which is yet another reason Clinton was our first black president. But that's another blog.

So, the Republican response is "deal with it." We should not have to deal with corrupt chicken hawks that steal elections, spy on us without warrant, endorse torture, give kickbacks to their corporate buddies, squander a huge national surplus, super-pollute the environment, strip our civil rights, and display an alarming incompetence in nearly everything they do, yet brag & boast about how wonderful they all are, even giving medals and promotions to one another. If there was ever a time to impeach and FIRE a sitting President, it's now. Yes we're at war. But the message we'd send to the world would be that we're as sick of this moronic frat boy asshole as you are, too. We're a laughing stock because of this guy. The Europeans thought we were being silly with the whole Lewinsky affair, but they would certainly understand an impeachment hearing for Dubya. Then, we should deport his stupid ass. Make sure he can never live here again, Roman Polanski style, bitches.
There are so many reasons to get rid of him. I'm sitting here, trying to think of one positive thing he's done. Throwing a strike when he threw out the first pitch at a Nationals game? Staying in shape? Perfecting that fucking smirk that makes me want to shoot the television Elvis-style? Seriously, people, post a comment or email me at twb4@yahoo.com with all of the positive things George W. Bush has done for this country. And if you say "catching Saddam Hussein," I'll personally kick you in the crotch. We caught a guy who wasn't doing anything. Woo-freakin-hoo. What about catching you-know-who?

That's right, where is Osama bin Laden? Forgot about that guy, huh? He's just the guy responsible for the most horrific attack on American soil. The guy Bush pledged he would do whatever it takes to find and bring to justice? Then a year later he said that he was "not truly concerned about him." Osama bin Forgotten.

I still can't believe the Democrats didn't run on that in 2004. In '92 it was "The Economy, Stupid," and they stomped George Sr. like the skinny wimp loser he was. In '04, it should have been "Where's Osama?" At the debates, everytime Bush opened his mouth, Kerry should have said, "did you get him yet? Are you looking for him? Mr. President, where is Osama?" Would have been an absolute landslide. They should've called Bush a traitor, an incompetent boob, should've said he was a corporate stooge that doesn't love his country enough to hunt down and kill it's number one enemy, and should have brought up September 11th a million more times than the Republicans did (so about 3 million times, because the Rethuglicans wouldn't shut up about it), and said every single time, "Where's Osama?" If we're so safe with Republicans in charge, why haven't they found him yet? Why isn't the entire world helping us find him?

Under the next administration, we will find Osama bin Laden, and we will bring him to justice. As long as it's not another corporate puppet like Bush. That's got to be the plan. We will protect our borders no matter what it takes. And we sure as hell won't start any unnecessary, immoral, unethical wars anywhere else that have NOTHING to do with the attacks on September 11th, 2001. Vote for a Bushite again in 2008, whether it be Jeb, John (McCain - it saddens me that he has sucked up to and kissed the ass of Dubya), or George (Allen - a real winner), and let it be close enough for them to steal it again, and you will continue being scared, because the administration does not know what to do besides give speeches.

Anyway, we can get an early start on cleaning up this Republican mess by impeaching Bush, and watching Congress firing him shortly after the mid-term elections. This could really happen, we just have to vote the butthole incumbents (sounds like a band) out of there, especially every single one that voted YES to go to war in Iraq. (Bye-bye, Hillary!)

Peace & IMPEACH!

T-to-the-B

ps August 22nd, the Revolution goes live on stage! Well, I do, anyway. Not sure how political the set will be, but rest assured I will be pissed off about a number of things that I have no intention of doing anything about except ranting. It's the Lazy Revolution way.

It's the "Battle of the Browns!" Just remember this is an exhibition, so no wagering.

:::COMEDY OPEN MIC NIGHT:::

Featuring the comedic stylings of Terry Brown & Kennon Brown

"Same parents, different jokes."

Joe's Bar (940 W. Weed St., Chicago, IL)

Tuesday, August 22

8:00 pm, doors open 7 pm - get there early!

$5 cover

Oh yeah, make sure you go see "Snakes on a Plane" this weekend! I'd love it to break the all-time opening weekend box office record for an "R" rated movie!

"Get these muthafuckin' snakes off this muthafuckin' plane!"

Sausage Fest 2006!

It's that time of year again, when we all gather to scarf many different sausages and swill many beers in the sweltering heat of late-July Vernon Hills. This year will be hot as Hell, but we're sure to have a great time.

This will be the first year of the Tournament of Weiners, a day-long collection of events culminating in the crowning of the 1st ever Grand Champeen of Sausage Fest. Before you know it, we'll have a parade and a beauty pageant.

If you can make it, come on over. The festivities commence at 2:30pm at 48 Constitution Court in Vernon Hills. You can even commemorate the occasion by purchasing a fabulous SF'06 t-shirt.

Sausage Fest 2006 with Mascot Logo on backbytwb3423
Get this custom t-shirt at Zazzle

Zazzle.com will let you customize your shirt even further. So if you take some good pics of people with a mouthful of brats, it can make it's way to a shirt.

See you there!

TB, KB, MB & FB

Fellow Revolutionairies, Welcome Franklin!

Everyone, meet Franklin "Beans" Brown, my new little guy. He is 3 months old and enjoys The Daily Show, barking at pictures of Ann Coulter and pooping.

He joined the Lazy Revolution (look at him - just like his Pops) last weekend. I think he believes Monty is a CEO or Republican fatcat, as he is constantly attacking him, Michael Moore style.

I vow to train him to attack Neocons and Scientologists! Not by biting them, but by exposing their evil hypocrisy to the world. Well, I guess biting those knuckleheads is OK.

Frankie will be available for autographs July 29th. He'll be near the fat guy cooking sausages.

Peace and IMPEACH!

TB (and FB!)

Would Jesus be Down with the Rap Music?

I saw the following on HuffingtonPost.com the other day.

http://christiansagainsthiphop.cf.huffingtonpost.com/

Make sure you click on "Girls We Saved" to check out some fool named Tyrone Jenkins. I'm sorry, but Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air has more soul than this step-and-fetch-it retard. The site says Tyrone "taught us what to watch out for!" How lame can a black man possibly get? I'm sure the neo-cons are going to want to nominate Tyrone to the Supreme Court in 10 years. He and Clarence will party down to some Air Supply while voting down civil rights.

Anyway, it made me think about rap and it's pervasive influence not only on young girls ("I wanna be a ho") , but society in general. I mean, look at Andy Milonakis, for Christ's (the homey above) sake! This man-child raps about mindless drivel (which you have to respect) and he gets his own cable show.

Which brings me to Jesus. What would the good Rabbi think of rap? I used to think he'd dig it. I mean he liked to drink, what with turning the water into wine and what not. He had a crew. The original entourage - 12 dudes ready to throw down in the name of the lord. But I'm not so sure anymore. See, last weekend I saw "The DaVinci Code." If you haven't seen it yet or read Dan Brown's novel then skip the next paragraph.

OK, they're gone. Isn't it nice, just us? All of those DaVinci Code-illiterate dolts have skipped ahead, leaving just us, those that either succumbed to the powers of the literary or Hollywood marketing machine or had friends that did and dragged us along with them (j/k, D & R, it was fun!). Seriously, the movie was pretty decent. But I still don't understand why Tom Hanks needed the mini-mullet sans-sideburns haircut. For me, it was better than the 5 pages of the novel I've read. Anyway, the DVC raises the interesting idea that Jesus was not only married, but that he had a child, with Mary Magdelene no less. So Jesus was a Dad. Hmmm. With that nugget, it really changes my perception. Not of religion or of the notion of Christianity, but of whethere or not the Son of God would like rap music. With the exception of Master P, every father on the face of the earth HATES rap music. I remember my own Dad shaking his head in disbelief upon hearing Paul's Boutique by The Beastie Boys blasting out of my little silver and chrome boombox. Just as fathers everywhere have an innate dislike of all males around the same age of their daughter, and how they all think they know how to grill a steak better than you do, all fathers think rap is crap. So, if Jesus did in fact have a girl (anagram for grail), I'm thinking he wouldn't want little Tiffany Christ to be backin' up her badonkadonk against the wall while Lil' Jon goes "Skeet, skeet, skeet!" Well, nobody wants that.

So would the savior of millions of people across the world be "down" with the hip and the hop? Maybe, but you gotta believe it would be lame like DC Talk, the Gospel Gangstaz or Ja Rule.

Peace an' chicken grease,

TB

EVIL - LIVE

No, not a Miles Davis album, just something interesting I saw online today. Mad props to the guy who figured this out. It's chilling. And, well, nonsense, but it made me chuckle.

F: 6th letter of the alphabet
O: 15th letter, 1+5=6
X: 24th letter, 2+4=6FOX = 666

Fox News: Fair and Balanced Network of the Beast

Haha!

Remember, vote for Dems this Fall so we can impeach Dubya ASAP! (and Cheney at the same time - we'll make history!)

President Bush’s approval at record low of 33 percent this week!

Impeach? Hell, I'm thinking recall. I wonder if the people they hoodwinked into voting for them have realized that Dubya really is a moron, and that as dorky and dull as John Kerry was, that at the very least he would have surrounded himself with competent people and would not embarrass the entire country.

I'll say it again, vote for every single damn Democrat this Fall. It may be the only chance we have to avoid war with Iran. What is BushCo.'s deal with countries beginning with I-R-A? Knowing how dumb Georgie is, the following countries better be on watch: Ireland, Italy, and Uruguay. The first 2 because they almost start with I-R-A, and the last because it has "gay" in it. Kinda. CLose enough for the WMD, "greeted as liberators" crowd, that's for sure.

TB

Easter, a Magical Day

Ah, Easter. That day in late March, early-to mid April that is the ultimate Christian holiday. Xmas is fine, but it's really more for the presents, the tree, and various nogs. No, Easter is the Super Bowl for ministers. You know they get psyched for Easter Sunday. I wonder if they jump and down or hit themselves on the sides of their head like boxers do before a fight. Probably not.
But this is the day when most Americans who even casually call themselves Christians get up, have a chocolate egg or bunny, put on a suit, and actually go to church. As a kid, I remember Easter being the one Sunday that my Dad would take my sister and I. My Mom usually sang in the choir, and Easter was the one day the old man would make it out to hear "the word." I always envied the fact that my Dad didn't have to go every Sunday. I hated going to church. Not for any of the reasons I don't go now, but because it was so boring (ok, so that's still a reason). And I never understood the whole dressing up for God deal. Personally, my God doesn't really care what I'm wearing, or even if I go to a specific building once a week. He's just happy when I say hello and thank him for the good things in my life: my beautiful wife, great friends (and all of their new additions - shout out to my main man Brooks and the soon-to-be Barclay Junior!), our relatives (and their health and happiness), and of course, President Bush. I pray the hardest for him everyday. He is going through so much these days that I feel we as a Christian nation must rally around him to support him as he prepares to nuke those Iranian bastards to Hell.

No, seriously, Hoppy Easter, and hopefully Christ's message of peace and goodwill can somehow reach into the heart and empty head of our President so our brave men & women can come home safely.

Oh, and whoever came up with the chocoloate egg thing: genius. I've had so many Cadberry cream eggs I feel like a crackhead. Still wonder when someone will make a chocolate crucifix...

Peace, and IMPEACH!

TB


ps Dan Savage, creator of the column Savage Love runs a great website, visit it here. Order a bumper sticker today if you're as sick of Dubya as the rest of us!

So did you hear about the Utah school that thought they were booking Jon Stewart the comedian, but instead they had signed up Jon A. Stewart, a former motivational speaker, businessman and part-time professional wrestler from Chicago? Oops!

What kills me is that they wanted The Daily Show host in the first place. Utah? Wouldn't they prefer say, John McCain, as he panders to the Religious Right? Wait, are Mormons considered the Religious Right? Shit, weren't they recently a cult? You know what that means, those nutty Scientologists could be considered a "legitimate" religion soon.

But Jon Stewart in Utah? I'm thinking people in Utah have no time for politcal comedy, what with all the wives...